Big Time Desire
by xChemicalxFallxPanicx
Summary: Logan has been in love with his best friend since he was 7, but he's been sleeping with James for four months. What will he do when the one he really loves seems to be falling for Jo? SLASH. Rated M to be safe.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Wrote this a while ago but was finally able to finish it thanks to youtube. xD You'll understand eventually.

Disclaimer: If I owned them, this would be in the show.

* * *

I tried over and over to tell myself it wouldn't end this way. That it wouldn't end with me on my knees looking up at those beautiful hazel eyes as he broke my heart. James wasn't in it for the long haul. I always knew that, always knew that his heart belonged to Carlos Garcia, but I couldn't stop myself from building up a small hope that I had finally found someone to call my own, even if he wasn't the one I longed for. I thought he would be the one to settle for me, after I proved I had enough skills in the bedroom to keep his interest for longer than a week.

We'd been together for four months. It started out casual, both of us in need after seeing the objects of our affection in the pool with Jo and Camille. James had started it all, using his height and strength to dominate me as he unhinged every tense muscle I had, turning me into a puddle. After that day we never stopped. Whenever one of us had the desire we would meet up, anywhere. In the broom closet I hid in with Kendall while our apartment was being remodeled. In the shower after James had seen Carlos come out in only a towel. In Gustavo's office after we had seen Carlos and Kendall dressed up like bad boys. Anywhere we could have privacy.

We were like two rabbits that had just realized the other was there.

"Logan," James whispered as his hand ran through my hair. "This has been amazing, really it has, and you're one of my best friends, but I think I may have a shot with Carlos."

I smiled softly, hiding the rejection I was feeling. I stood to my full height, watching as he tucked himself back into his jeans. "I hope you and Carlos hit it off," I whispered, meaning every word. It may hurt to be tossed aside like James's used condom, but I wanted them to be happy together.

James grinned. "Thanks man! I know your chance with Kendall will come. I mean, my chance came for me and you deserve it way more."

I chuckled and shook my head. "I just hope you can handle him."

He laughed and pulled me into a tight hug. "I don't know how I could've gotten through this without you Logan. I think I would've gone crazy."

I smiled and shoved him off playfully. "You would've imploded." I moved past him, poking my head out of his bedroom door.

"We have harmonies at 3 so whatever you decide to do, just don't be late. You know how pissed Gustavo gets whenever-," he paused.

I froze in the doorway, the mental image of Kendall on top of Jo in my mind. Gustavo had caught them making out and he was even angrier to find out that the reason Kendall had been late so many times was because of that. He never let anyone forget the incident. "I know," I whispered. "I should be the one reminding you though," I smirked and left his room, closing the door behind me.

Carlos was sprawled out on the couch, his shirt riding up slightly as his hand absently scratched at his stomach. It was the reason James had pulled me into his bedroom at 9 this morning. I smiled at Carlos and moved to him, grabbing a pillow off the couch and slowly creeping up, holding the pillow over my head.

"I wouldn't do that if I was you Logie," Kendall called from across the room, chuckling when I jumped a foot in the air. "You know he gets violent when he's woken up like that."

I blushed and turned to face him. "When did you wake up," I whispered, trying to ignore the way my stomach tightened at the familiar nickname.

"A few minutes ago," he smiled turning to grab the leftover pizza slice from the microwave. "I have a date with Jo this morning." His smile broadened into a full blown grin at that news.

My stomach dropped and I moved to the kitchen, standing beside him as I looked through the fridge. "That's great, just don't be late again. I really don't need to hear Gustavo tell that story again," I whispered, chuckling to hide any hurt that may be in my voice. My eyes landed on last night's dessert, a chocolate cake with strawberries, and I grabbed for it like a lifeline.

"I'll do my best," Kendall grinned then furrowed his brows when he saw my food selection. "Really Logan? It's like ten in the morning…not exactly the time for sweets."

I shrugged, putting the cake on the counter and cutting myself a big helping. "Pancakes, waffles, French toast…there's lots of sweet breakfast foods. I'm just too lazy to attempt cooking right now." I put the remaining cake in the fridge and moved to grab a spoon, surreptitiously ogling the way his pajama pants hugged him in all the right places.

"Yeah, but chocolate cake is not the same as pancakes," Kendall argued teasingly. "You're a growing boy and you need your protein."

I chuckled and rolled my eyes, moving to my plate and taking a big bite of it to end this discussion.

He shook his head and smiled easily as he ate his pizza across from me.

That was when it hit me. James wasn't going to keep comforting me whenever my libido got out of control, he wasn't going to hold me as I cried from whatever I had seen Jo and Kendall doing in the hallway, he wasn't going to whisper things to me to lift my spirits, he wasn't going to pretend to love me anymore. I shivered and slowly brought another spoonful to my mouth. My eyes were tingling, I could feel it, but running off to my room was out of the question. Kendall would get suspicious.

"Are you ok?"

My eyes snapped up to meet worried green. I smiled and nodded. "Yeah," I swallowed, my voice rough from the tears I held back. "Yeah this cake is just so good." I smiled and took another bite enjoying the way the rich flavor gave me something to focus on.

Kendall narrowed his eyes, trying to see through my lie. I moved my gaze back to the cake, smiling softly at it. I knew how to take the focus off me. A small bliss filled smile was one of the best ways to get Kendall to drop it. Another way was to try and make him uncomfortable. I picked up another spoonful and moaned as the taste hit my tongue, closing my eyes happily. Licking the spoon as I pulled it out a fluttered my eyelids.

Kendall's laugh was rough and if I didn't know better I'd have guessed he was turned on. "You're such a sugar whore."

I smiled and watched him grab a coke from the fridge. I continued eating as he moved to the couch, sitting on Carlos's chest.

"What the hell!" Carlos screamed as he glared up at Kendall.

"Get off him Kendall," James growled, finally coming out of his room. "Or I'll tell Jo about what you were doing last night in the shower."

Kendall's eyes widened and he quickly jumped off the shorter boy. "That's playing dirty," he glared.

Carlos grinned and hopped up. "Thanks! I thought I was going to die! He's heavy!"

James grinned and nodded, "nothing like being under me."

I blushed and kept my gaze on my cake, praying no one noticed. Carlos laughed as Kendall shook his head in annoyance.

"Let's go to the pool," he grinned, grabbing his helmet and shoving it on his head. "I bet I can beat you down there."

James's grin widened. "Oh you're on!" They both took off into different directions to change.

"Well," Kendall grinned after a moment of silence where we both listened to the various crashes and bangs as the other two changed. "I'm going to be late for my date. I'll see you at rehearsals."

I waved absently as I moved to wash the dishes the others had left. Ms. Knight and Katie were back in Minnesota for some family thing. That meant I was basically in charge, even though she had said she left Kendall in charge the look she gave me meant his title was only allowed if I was willing to provide backup. She didn't even have to ask anymore, she already knew I was willing to do anything if it meant Kendall would be happy.

"Are you sure you're ok," Kendall asked softly, once again making me jump.

"Yeah," I smiled, turning to look at him. "You're going to be late."

He watched me a moment longer before nodding and disappearing out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Here's chapter two! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Seriously, I wouldn't be writing this if I owned them.

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Chapter Two

I lay on my bed face up, stretching my legs so my muscles could loosen up a bit. It had been a long two hours of harmonizing and an even longer three hours of dancing. I could hear James on the phone to the Chinese restaurant, ordering our food. Carlos and Kendall argued over the television channel, and I could hear James chastising them from where he stood in the kitchen.

Then the doorbell rang. A small idiotic part of me hoped that the restaurant had a teleporter and somehow the food James was still ordering was already at our doorstep. The logical part of me knew it was probably Jo. She usually came by the house at this time, wanting to either steal Kendall away or invade on guy time because she missed her boyfriend.

I groaned as her voice seeped into my room. I didn't hate her as a person, she was really nice and sweet and…Kendall's girlfriend. I hated seeing them together. I hated watching as his eyes softened when she laughed, hated seeing the way he'd kiss her when he thought know one was watching. His eyes just...seemed to light up whenever she was near. And now, I'd have to watch as they flirted all through dinner.

But for now, I could just close my eyes and pretend to be dead to the world until someone called me for dinner. That is, if anyone realized I was missing.

xoxo

I woke up four hours later. It was just past midnight as I sat up stretching my arms over my head. My stomach growled angrily. I didn't know when I fell asleep, but I could hear the silence of the apartment. I prayed I wouldn't wonder out to see Kendall and Jo together and my brain said it'd be easier to just go back to sleep than risk it, but my stomach roared again.

I sighed and quietly moved to the kitchen, seeing the mess left behind. The food containers were left spread out over the table and counter, I wasn't sure if it'd be good anymore. I looked through the food, finding my container empty. Someone had eaten all of my beef and broccoli…and for some reason that just pissed me off. Not only could they not be bothered to wake me or clean up their mess, but now they ate my food. I growled and looked at the other containers. They were all empty.

I rolled my eyes as I gathered the empty containers, tossing them into the garbage. I moved to the fridge, looking at the left over food. I pulled out a carton from McDonald's, opening it and immediately holding it away from me. It was old, very old, like green mold old. I tossed that into the garbage too and continued my search for food.

…

After emptying half the fridge of things that may or may not have been food at some point, cleaning the counter and washing the plates in the sink, I finally tied up the bag and moved to leave the apartment in search of both food and a toxic waste dump site.

"Logan," a female voice whispered in shocked surprise. "I didn't realize you'd be awake…and cleaning?" She giggled softly.

"Jo," I whispered, fighting to put a smile on my face before turning to see her. To say she was disheveled would be an understatement. She had obvious sex hair, a goofy grin; her clothes were wrinkled and looked like she had mistaken Kendall's shirt for her top. My gut clenched as my mind put it together. They'd slept together, and now she was sneaking out before the others saw her.

"Jo," Kendall whispered as he came out of his room. "You forgot-," he stopped short, his eyes landing on me.  
Jo grinned and took the phone from his hand. "Thanks," she whispered leaning into him and kissing his neck.

I shivered and forced a smile turning to look anywhere but them.

"Well," Jo whispered, "I should be going." Her gaze turned to me as my eyes fell on her again. "Are you going to take the garbage out?"

My teeth grinded softly but I pushed through it. "Yeah, I just need my keys."

"I'll walk with you," she grinned.

I tensed. "No that's okay, I was going to listen to some music anyway...go out to eat or something." She opened her mouth to protest and I quickly cut her off. "Besides, I bet you're exhausted."

Her face turned red and she looked from Kendall to me and then to the door. "You're right, I'll see you around Logan." Then she turned to Kendall and lifted up kissing him passionately.

Without waiting for more of a goodbye I dropped the bag and hurried to my room, grabbing my keys and ipod. Shoving the ear buds into my ears I turned up the music, ran out to grab the garbage, and escaped through the front door. Praying that Kendall hadn't noticed how hurt I was.

I'm not stupid; I knew they were active together. After all, Kendall was a boy and his libido was probably just as bad or worse than my own. And Jo seemed all too willing to help him out in that area. But was it too much to ask not to see it? To be spared the view of Jo in Kendall's shirt?

I sighed, tossing the bag into the dumpster and took a step towards the 24 hour diner nearby. My stomach didn't growl at the mention of food, in fact it just tossed in a nauseating way. I swallowed hard and turned to move back into the Palm Woods.

By the time I had made it back to the apartment, after walking up the stairs and through the hall as slow as humanly possible, Jo was gone. I was eternally grateful, until my eyes landed on Kendall sitting at the table. My stomach clenched and my heart dropped, leaving my body confused on how to react. My mind took over, forcing a smile onto my lips as I pulled the ear buds out. "I bet you had a great night," I mumbled, moving to the fridge to grab water.

Kendall chuckled and nodded. "Definitely. It was amazing Logie."

I shivered, closing my eyes as I took a drink from the bottle.

"It was nothing like doing it solo," Kendall continued. As if I wanted to hear more. "I'm just really happy mom and Katie were out of town." He grinned, eyes bright and body relaxed as he watched me.

"It was your first time," I whispered, realizing Jo had taken something else I had wanted.

Kendall blushed and ducked his head. "Shut up."

I gasped softly and closed the bottle silently. I hadn't realized a part of me had still wished it wasn't true. "I think I'll go back to bed now," I whispered hoarsely.

Kendall watched me, tilting his head. "Logan, are you sure you're ok? You've been acting strange."

I smiled weakly and nodded. "Yeah I'm just tired I guess." I turned, moving past him and towards my room, pausing in the hall way. "Where are James and Carlos?"

"Carlos crashed out in James's room, so I think James is either with him or in Carlos's room since the couch is empty. Why?"

I smiled and shook my head. "No reason." I continued into my room and jumped at the sound of the door closing behind me. "Kendall?"

"Logan, tell me what's wrong," he whispered staring into my eyes.

I opened my mouth to lie, but at this close proximity and the intense gaze Kendall was boring into me I just couldn't think. So, I did the next best thing. Tell the half truth. "James and I broke up."


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: As I was writing this...I really wanted cake. .

Disclaimer: I don't own BTR.

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Chapter Three

Kendall stared at me with wide eyes. "What?"

"James and I…we broke up. Well, he broke up with me but that's beside the point." I watched as he blinked, still stunned from the news that two of his best friends had been seeing each other without his knowledge.

"You're gay," he asked, his voice higher from the surprise.

"Oh, you didn't know," I whispered, remembering why I hadn't begun hitting on him before. "Yeah, I'm gay."

He stayed silent, unable to process it all. "And James is too?"

I chuckled at that. "Kendall, James is bi. He'll take anything breathing on two legs that's consenting. But he falls in love with guys more often than girls."

"Why," Kendall began then licked his lips, still trying to get used to this. "Why did you two break up?"

I looked down, fiddling nervously with the water bottle. "You can't tell Carlos…but James has been in love with him for a long time. The only reason he got with me was because it was convenient for us both when one of us needed a release. He ended it because he saw an opening with Carlos."

That gave Kendall back his confidence. "He what," he growled.

"It's fine Kendall really. I knew that was what our relationship was. I just got…confused. I thought he felt something more for me."

He stayed silent, watching my every movement, trying to figure out if I was just trying to be strong or if I was telling the truth. He sighed and grabbed my wrist pulling me into a hug. I instantly relaxed into his hold, melting into him in a way that screamed of my love for him. But luckily, it also screamed hurt and pain, which Kendall took to mean that James had broken my heart.

"Logie," he whispered, one arm wrapped around my waist and the other hand moving to pet my hair. My face was buried in his neck and I closed my eyes moving my hands to his back to hold him closer to me. "You deserve someone who is really going to love you, not someone who's just using you to get off."

I shivered and clung to him, feeling my heart beat increase frantically at his words. I knew this wasn't some sappy romance. I knew he wouldn't end his sentence with 'someone like me' no matter how badly I wanted it to be. I knew he was just trying to cheer up his friend. But none of that stopped my mind from throwing images of Kendall kissing me, taking me on dates, just being with me. And knowing that none of that would ever happen finally caused the tears I had been fighting to fall.

He felt the moisture on his neck and hushed me softly, even though I wasn't making any noise, as he pet my hair and held me closer.

I didn't want this to end. I held my eyes shut tight, trying to memorize the way my body fit perfectly against his, or the way his hand combed through my hair. There was nothing like this in the world. No one could ever hold me the way Kendall was right now. And I honestly didn't want anyone to try. I would take this pain of knowing that I was nowhere near what he wanted. That I would never have the soft curves and hair that Kendall loved to touch. I would take all of that, as long as I could keep this moment in my mind forever.

He stayed silent, just held me closer when my hands tightened on his back. His hand continued to run through my hair as he bent down slightly, careful not to move me from my position, to rest his chin on my shoulder.

xoxo

If I had to guess, I'd say we stayed like that for ten minutes. I was able to memorize the position, the smell and the feeling it gave me…but not the way it felt to have him hold me. I could remember how he held me, and how I felt but not the direct feeling of his hands on me.

He had finally let go of me when we heard Carlos in the hall rummaging for food. He had smiled a soft, sort of shocked smile, and left. Leaving me breathless.

That was two hours ago.

I now sat in my room watching the clock as I tried to throw myself into sleep. More accurately a sleep in which Kendall was holding me close. I was failing. I couldn't imagine the way he'd lay on a bed without seeing Jo under him.

A soft knock at my door shook me from my thoughts. "Yeah," I called back softly.

The door opened to reveal Carlos, smiling shyly, which just made me nervous.

"Can I talk to you?" He closed the door behind him and moved to my bed, sitting on the edge.

"Yeah of course, you know I'm here for you."

Carlos nodded and fidgeted, holding the end of his shirt in his hands like he was examining it. "James and I…after dinner…we went to his room to play some games you know?" He looked up at me briefly before moving them back to his shirt. "Well, while we were there, James started doing his…James thing you know? Where he flirts with you without realizing it?"

I smiled, knowing it was always on purpose. "Yeah."

"Right, I don't know what happened…but I kissed him," Carlos mumbled. I barely understood but knew he'd never repeat it.

"And," I whispered questioningly. "Did you like it?"

Carlos's head sprung to face me, his eyes wide and filled with relief. "You're ok with it?"

I chuckled and nodded. "Of course I am, as long as you and James are happy."

He grinned and nodded. "I am," he whispered. "I didn't realize that I liked him…until I was kissing him."

I smiled and whispered, "so why are you talking to me and not making out with him?"

Carlos chuckled. "You have an excellent point." He stood up and turned to leave but paused in the doorway. "Thanks Logan."

I smiled and nodded, "no big deal you know, bleep blop bloop."

He laughed and shook his head, closing the door behind him as he left. I smiled and lay back down. The past few hours had almost, made up for this night as a whole.

Suddenly, as if a lion woke up, my stomach roared angrier than before. I moaned in pain and sighed, dragging myself to the kitchen.

Opening the fridge I saw a white box that hadn't been there before. I titled my head and grabbed it, opening it slowly to look inside.

"Hey," Kendall cut through my thoughts. "Put it back, Jo got me those last night."

And just like that the images came crashing down on me again. I nodded, smiling and shoved it back in there as I quietly continued to search out food.

"Sorry about your food by the way," Kendall began, moving to sit on one of the stools. "Jo was really hungry and when we saw you were sleeping we figured you wouldn't mind."

My hand froze as I touched the cake. I shook my head and grabbed it, moving to the counter with it to cut myself another slice big enough for four.

"Logan you really do need to eat something besides cake once and a while," he teased. I could hear the smirk on his lips. "You're gonna start to taste like it."

"James used to say I was sweeter than what he'd tasted before," I mumbled, putting my piece on a plate and shoving the rest back into its place.

Kendall stared at me wide eyed and I hid my smirk. I enjoyed catching him off guard, making him think of what I would taste like. He shook his head and rubbed his forehead. "Didn't need that image in my head, thanks man," he groaned.

I smiled and took a bite of the cake. It tasted bitter this time, I took it as my mood and ignored it. "You're welcome."

"But really, tomorrow try and eat a real meal before stuffing your face with cake?"

I nodded and continued eating.

"Gustavo will throw a fit if you get fat," he smirked.

"Blow me Kendall." I ate another bite and smirked at him.

Kendall stared and then laughed shaking his head. "Good night, Logie."

I smiled and nodded taking another bite.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's Note: I really don't know what to write up here. I used to apologize for how long it took me to upload new chapters...but seeing as how I'm posting it all at once... .

Disclaimer: Stillll don't own them.

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Chapter Four

The next morning I woke up with James staring down at me. "Shit," I cursed and rolled away from him. "You know I hate that!"

James laughed, "it's already noon and we have to go to the studio at one! It's the only way I know how to get you up without…getting you up."

I rolled my eyes and moved to rub the sleep from my eyes. "You could've just said my name."

James smiled. "I could've." He rocked back and forth on his heels.

"Did you want to tell me something," I smiled, enjoying the look of pure joy that passed over his features.

"I got him!"

"Carlos?" I smiled. I knew the answer but James always liked telling good news if it involved him.

"Yeah, we're together now!"

"That's great James, I'm really-," I was cut off by a very annoyed Kendall in the doorway.

"You're just going to rub it in his face now," he growled softly, not wanting Carlos to hear.

James looked from Kendall to me and back. "What?"

"Logan really deserved better than just being your fuck buddy."

James's eyes widened and he stared at me.

"Kendall, it's okay really, I am happy for them," I stood and put my hand on his stomach, feeling his muscles relax at my touch. "I'm fine."

He looked at me, staring into my eyes to see if I was lying about this. He nodded and glared one more time at James before leaving.

I closed the door behind him and as soon as it clicked into place James let out a breath of relief.

"What the hell was that," he asked, watching me gently. "You weren't…like you didn't fall for me did you," he questioned, his voice getting soft and worried. I knew he never wanted to hurt me, I knew that he would never have rubbed it in my face if he thought I loved him.

"No," I smiled. "I mean, I love you just…not like that. I cared for you a lot in that way, but I'm fine. Kendall just…he demanded to know why I was so off yesterday. I couldn't exactly tell him it was because I got my heart crushed again when I saw Jo come out of his bedroom with sex hair and his shirt…so I told him we broke up."

James nodded. "But now he thinks I'm this heartless asshole that doesn't care about his friends."

I shook my head. "I told him we both knew it was for getting off and nothing more."

He smiled. "That doesn't change the fact that in his eyes he needs to protect you from big bad wolves like me." His smile suddenly fell as his gaze turned fearful. "He won't tell Carlos will he?"

"I told him not to…I'll make sure he doesn't."

James bit his lip and moved to the door. "I'm just…going to try and stay near him at all times so Kendall won't have a chance."

"Just don't suffocate him James."

He nodded and hurried out the door. I grabbed my towel and walked to the shower, but then detouring to sit next to Kendall on the couch. "Hey."

"Hey," he whispered.

"Look you can't tell Carlos ok? It'll just hurt him. Plus it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into. And it's not like James knew I had grown to care for him that way. But honestly, it was nothing compared to what I was bottling up. So, just don't worry ok? I'm fine, you don't have to protect me from James."

He turned to look at me and whispered, "what were you bottling up inside?"

I mentally cursed and shook my head. "It's secret."

"Come on Logie," he whispered. "Please tell me? I'm your best friend."

I moved my gaze to my lap. Katie wasn't the only Knight who knew how to pull off the puppy gaze. And there was no way I'd let myself be caught up in that. "I really can't Kendall."

He moved his hand to my thigh. "You can tell me anything."

I stood abruptly. "I have to go shower. We only have an hour before Gustavo expects us." Without waiting for his reply I ran to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.

xoxo

I survived yet another dance rehearsal without breaking any bones. Luckily they were beginning to catch on that I was better at acrobatics than dancing. Most of my choreography now required me to back flip, do cartwheels and spin in the air. I didn't mind it. I loved doing stunts like that, and having an excuse to touch Kendall's hand on stage made my heart surge.

"Do you guys want pizza again," Carlos asked as he looked in the empty fridge.

"Let's go out to dinner," James grinned, moving behind the shorter boy and wrapping his arms around his waist.

Carlos blushed and opened his mouth to respond but was cut off.

"That actually sounds like a good idea," Kendall smirked, knowing he hadn't been invited. "I'll ask Jo to join us." He moved past the rest of us and to his room, calling Jo.

I sighed and looked at James annoyed. "I think I'll just let you guys have your double date. I'll cook myself something here."

They both looked at me concern radiated off of them in waves. "You ok," Carlos asked confused.

I smiled and nodded. "Yeah, just you know…fifth wheel and all." I chuckled and moved past them to grab for the cake. James grabbed my hand.

"Kendall made us promise to make sure you didn't have that last piece of cake until tomorrow. He said something about you having too much sugar and having to look out for you like he does Katie."

I sighed and moved to grab eggs instead.

"She'll be here in an hour. I'm going to shower," Kendall grinned, moving past all of us to the shower. He paused as he watched me scramble the eggs. "You're not coming?"

"Nah, I'm exhausted," I smiled, pouring the eggs into the skillet and chopping up some vegetables.

He watched me for a few more seconds, before quietly moving to the shower, closing the door behind him.

James smirked and whispered something to Carlos. The shorter boy grinned and before I could say a word they vanished to the other bathroom in the apartment. I didn't have to be a genius to know what they were up to.

I had just finished flipping the omelet when Kendall emerged. He had a towel wrapped loosely around his waist and another one on his hair as he dried it. I stared in awe as one lone water droplet ran down his chest and underneath the towel. I licked my lips as I took the sight in.

He had a few scars on his skin, from back when we were younger. Like the one from that time he fell out of the tree because I couldn't hold my balance, causing us both to fall over. I don't know how he did it but he had flipped us, so that he'd get the worst of it. He had a thin line where the tree branch had cut him, it took seven stitches. I had cried because I knew it was all my fault and I thought he was dying. I was too young to understand that blood didn't always mean death. Too young to understand that when they took him to the hospital it wasn't so that he could die there and never return to me. But I wasn't too young to understand the sacrifice he had made to keep me safe.

That had been the moment I had fallen in love with Kendall Knight.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note: I think there's only a couple more chapters left? I don't remember .

Disclaimer: I OWN THEM! ...haha no. Still don't.

* * *

Chapter five

"Logan," Kendall asked, waving his hand in front of my face. "Are you in there? Your omelet is burning." He reached past me, turning the burner to a lower level.

I blinked and shook my head laughing nervously. "Sorry I just zoned out I guess."

Kendall smirked and watched me as I checked the food. "What were you thinking about?"

I shook my head and let out a small breath of embarrassment. "Nothing really."

He nodded and moved a bit closer to me. "Was it that seeing me like this made your brain stop?"

I blushed brightly and laughed. He could always read me so well, and he was very close. "I was thinking about your scar."

He tilted his head and looked down, seeing the thin line on his abs that was paler than the rest of his skin. "What about it?"

I shrugged and moved to put my food on a plate. "Just about how you got it and how I thought you were dying," I grinned softly.

He smiled softly and whispered. "When I came back from the hospital you told me something."

I blushed and swallowed keeping my eyes on the plate, hoping he didn't remember what it was.

"You said that you were sorry, and if I wanted to I could punch you and you wouldn't even tell on me." He paused and I felt his eyes boring into my side, seeing my scar through my clothes that had been extremely less serious than his, but had caused him the same amount of worry. "You thanked me and told me you loved me."

My heart stopped, my hands froze, my entire body just shut down. He remembered. And I couldn't tell if it was a fond memory, one that he cherished with all his heart like I did, or if he was about to mock me. I remained still, like a deer caught in the headlights of a moving truck.

"Do you remember," Kendall asked voice soft and unsure.

It startled me how easily he could restart my entire being. I nodded and whispered, "I remember. I'm just surprised you do." I smiled softly at the memory, remembering how back then, when Kendall didn't understand what love I had been speaking of; he had said he loved me too.

Kendall chuckled softly. "You know its funny how back then I was more h-," he began but was interrupted by the doorbell.

Carlos ran to the door, fully dressed and grinning. "Jo!" He opened the door fully, letting her in.

Kendall's eyes slowly trailed off of me as he turned to smile at her. "Hey, just let me finish getting dressed." He looked at me one last time, smiling apologetically for having to leave me guessing at what he was going to say, and then moved to his room.

I stared at the spot he had previously been occupying. What was he going to tell me? I sighed and moved to put the pan in the sink. I knew this would take over the rest of my thoughts for tonight. Maybe if I got lucky Kendall would finish his sentence before leaving.

I was a quarter through my omelet when Kendall suddenly pounced on me, his hands on my shoulders and his chest pressed into my back. "We'll be back later Logie. Do you want me to call if we go to the movies after dinner?"

My eyes were wide, my heart pounding at the feel of being so close to him, and by the look on James's face I knew I was blushing. "No," my voice shook slightly and I tried to cover it with a chuckle. "I was just going to study my medical books you know?"

"You're trying to be Dr. Sexy M.D., aren't you," he teased softly, whispering almost huskily in my ear so the others couldn't hear.

My blush deepened and I laughed a bit louder, my heart racing even more at the tone of his voice.

Kendall chuckled softly as he got off me, moving to the others. James was smirking, but at the same time he seemed worried. Carlos was just laughing his ass off at the entire thing, and Jo wrapped her arm around Kendall's waist and leaned up to pull him into a kiss. It was clear she was marking her property. My eyes traveled back to James. I nodded slightly and smiled, trying to let him know that I wasn't breaking. Trying to lie to him.

"We'll be back later," James whispered, not believing my lie. He took one last look at me before ushering the rest out, blocking Kendall and Jo from me as they left. I thought I saw him look back at me before James blocked me from his vision, but that was probably just my imagination.

I didn't know what had gotten into Kendall to flirt like this, but whatever it was, it was cruel.

I stood, putting the rest of my food in the fridge. I wasn't hungry anymore. Not after the crash and burn my heart had been put through. It was one thing to dangle him in front of me, it was another to do that and then snatch him away, make me watch as he kissed and loved someone else.

I moved to the couch, my studying idea all but forgotten. I pulled my knees up to my chest, hiding my face in my legs. I didn't think Kendall could be cruel, didn't think he'd go this far to make me squirm, but I could see no other reason besides his own amusement. I held my legs closer to myself, feeling tears build up and spill over.

For once I was thankful no one was here with me.

xoxo

"Logan," James whispered as he pet my hair gently. "Come on Logan, wake up."

I groaned softly and opened my eyes. "James," I whispered, looking around. I was still on the couch, my knees clutched to my chest. I stretched my legs out wincing at how sore my muscles were. "What time is it?"

"It's past midnight," Carlos whispered worried. "Have you been like this all night? You could've come with us really, we would've had fun together."

I smiled and shook my head. "I was too tired. I swear, I mean I didn't even get any studying done. I would've just fallen asleep there with you guys."

Carlos smiled and nodded, accepting what I told him without question. "In that case, I'm going to sleep!" He turned to James smirked and hurried off to his bedroom.

James smiled after him then turned back to me, his smile falling. "Look," he whispered. "Kendall and Jo were kind of grabby tonight. We split up after dinner, so if they're not here then I'm guessing they're either going to crawl in here together. I doubt you want to see that, so go to bed ok?"

I could tell he was worried about me. He wasn't trying to dominate me, just protect me from being broken again. "Alright," I whispered, moving to stand and ignoring the protest my muscles put out.

James smiled and turned to lead me away when the door flew open and Kendall landed on the floor, with Jo on top of him.

I could feel my heart shatter as my entire body tensed. James looked at me frantically and grabbed my wrist, pulling me from the scene that my eyes never left. He wasn't fast enough, Kendall was chuckling and he looked up into Jo's eyes and whispered, "I love you."

I gasped softly, but loud enough that Kendall heard, his head turned and our eyes met. I saw his eyes widen before he disappeared behind a wall as James pulled me into Carlos' room. Carlos jumped and quickly ran to put his pants back on. James put me on the bed and looked at me full of worry.

"What the hell James! I love you and all but I don't do three-," Carlos stopped, staring at me. "What happened," He whispered a stark difference from how he was before.

James began to explain everything to him in hushed words, leaving out how we'd help each other, focusing only on me. I couldn't hear exactly what he was saying. I was too busy focusing on how much power I had given Kendall, that three little words were able to destroy me.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: And here is the inspiration for the ending. Thank you youtube, and of course Kendall and Logan for making this easier than it should've been.

Disclaimer: I don't own BTR or the song in this chapter or John Mayer.

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Chapter six

I woke up the next day on Carlos's bed, with James on one side and Carlos on the other. I was the only one under the covers. Suddenly I felt like a child that ran to their parents' room to hide from a storm. I looked at them both, wondering if they had been able to sleep at all. I sighed and sat up, feeling two arms fall off of me. I smiled realizing that they loved me as much as I loved them. They were both like my brothers. Well, not James, James was a friend because I would not screw my brother.

"You're awake," James whispered softly, opening his eyes to look at me gently. "How do you feel?"

I smiled and looked down. "I guess I had more hope than I thought. I know it's never going to happen now. He loves her, and he'll never look at me twice."

"I'm sorry man," Carlos whispered, looking up at me as he continued to lay stomach down on the bed.

I shook my head smiling. "I didn't keep you guys up did I?"

"Not much," he whispered honestly.

"We got you to calm down at around three. Then we slept like this because it was the only way that you wouldn't whimper in your sleep," Carlos added gently, knowing I wanted details.

I blushed, embarrassed that I had been so broken in front of them. "I'm sorry I kept you awake like that."

James shook his head. "No big deal."

"You know, bleep blop bloop," Carlos grinned.

I laughed softly and shook my head. "You guys are the best." I smiled and looked at them both. "I'm so going to make you guys dinner one night, like an at home date thing for you two."

Carlos grinned, "really?" He looked at James who nodded. "Whenever you wanna cook is fine with us Logan!"

I smiled and nodded. "Alright."

"But for now how about we go out to breakfast," James smiled.

"IHOP," Carlos yelled.

James and I laughed as we watched Carlos jump out of bed to get dressed. I could almost feel the hole in my stomach fill, but I knew that just one good morning wasn't going to cure me of my problem.

xoxo

I had managed to avoid both Kendall and Jo for over half the day. But I couldn't hide from him in the studio. I sighed as I filed into the room between Carlos and James. They were trying their best to keep me as far from Kendall as possible. Once we got into the sound booth Carlos switched places with me on the pretense of wanting to be closer to James. I knew they only did this so that no matter where Kendall ended up, I could switch with one of them and be farther from him.

"Alright dogs," Gustavo half yelled through the speakers in the room. He was behind the thick glass with Kelly and the sound board guy. "We're going to cover a John Mayer song. It's a slow ballad which is exactly what Griffen wants. So, that's what we're going to give him!"

I clenched my jaw and looked down. I usually thought of Kendall during our ballads. I looked at Carlos and James, who were grinning wide at the news, then back at Gustavo.

"Shouldn't you have given us the lyrics before we got in here," Kendall asked, raising an eyebrow at the older man, seemingly unaffected by the fact that we had permission to cover a song by a famous artist.

Kelly leaned over him, pressing the button to speak. "Today is just a warm up. The song is on that board in front of you, we'll give you the beat and Gustavo will show you the harmony then we want to see where you take the song. Last time you guys did really well with that."

We all nodded and Gustavo played the song, humming the basic harmony. We looked at the board. Kendall was up first, which wasn't really surprising. His voice was enticing enough to make you want to continue listening.

Kendall smirked at the words as he waited for the short instrumental opening to pass. I knew this song well, I listen to it frequently now a days. I swallowed hard and looked at James and Carlos again. They shrugged helplessly. I turned my focus back to the song and Kendall's voice.

_Young and full of running  
Tell me where has that taken me?  
Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinity?  
Love is really nothing  
But a dream that keeps waking me,  
For all of my trying  
We still end up dying, how can it be?_

Then we all joined in on the chorus, our voices meshing together perfectly I thought.

_Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me,  
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see,  
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed,  
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me._

I sung the next part; it was surprising how easily it fit in with Kendall's. It was like our voices didn't even struggle to harmonize together.

_So young and full of running, all the way to the edge of desire  
Steady my breathing, silently screaming,  
"I have to have you now"  
Wired and I'm tired  
Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor  
Maybe this mattress will spin on its axis and find me on yours_

We all sang the chorus again, hearing the song slowly come together. Kendall sounded amazing and it took all my willpower not to look over at him and pretend he was singing about me.

James and Carlos took over for the next part, each singing half the chorus. James was good at faking the emotion that the song called for without actually needing to go into his life to find inspiration. Though, this time I'd bet he just had to think about Carlos leaving him to get that emotion out of him.

_Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me  
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see  
I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe  
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me_

And with that the song ended. We grinned and looked at Gustavo wondering if he had liked what he heard.

"That was…average," Gustavo mumbled.

"That was great for a first take," Kelly grinned happily.

"Why are we covering this though," I asked, tilting my head in confusion.

"Griffin said he wanted to hear what you guys did with it, and I think he'll like it!" She continued to smile like a proud sister.

"Wait but how will he hear it," Carlos asked, looking around for Griffin to just suddenly pop out.

"We were recording. The mp3 is being sent to his computer tonight," Gustavo turned looking at the man next to them. "Right?"

He nodded and Gustavo nodded in finalization.

"So," James began.

"Are we done for today," Kendall finished, grinning.

Gustavo nodded and waved his hand, signaling we could go. I grinned and looked at the others waiting to follow their lead.

xoxo

Turns out a free afternoon from Gustavo meant boyfriend/girlfriend time. Carlos and James had offered to stay with me, but I didn't want to keep them from having fun. Kendall had gone off with Jo, which was no real surprise.

I sighed as I moved to the couch, flipping through the television channels.

My eyes widened as a grin spread over my face. I was alone, in the house, with the last piece of cake. I hurried to the fridge, pulling out my treasure. Grabbing a spoon I moved back to the couch, putting my feet up on the coffee table as I dug in.

"Logan Mitchell," Kendall whispered, making me jump and almost drop the cake. "I thought I said you had to eat real food before cake." I could hear the amusement lacing his voice.

I swallowed and turned my gaze to him. "I ate this morning." I kept my gaze at his throat, knowing if I looked at his face I'd break again.

He sighed, "Logie you really do need to eat better. You're the doctor you should know this."

"I do but sometimes I like to indulge." I took another bite of cake.

Kendall chuckled and moved to sit next to me, taking the spoon from me and taking a bite of his own.

"Not that I don't like spending time with you and all, but I thought you were on a date with Jo." I took my fork back, taking another bite before holding the utensil to him.

He took it and copied my movement. "It wasn't a date this time. We had to talk."

I hated how my heart sprung at those words. I felt like a horrible friend finding joy in his possible heartbreak. "About what?"

We continued sharing the cake for a few moments, sitting in silence before he finally sighed and leaned his head back against the couch. "Last night, I said I love-,"

"I heard," I interrupted, not wanting to hear it again.

Kendall shook his head, not meeting my gaze. "I said I love you," he turned his gaze to me and whispered, "as in you Logan."


	7. Chapter 7

Author's Note: Well here it is! The end. I hope you enjoyed the fic! Tell me what you think! Flames are welcomed as always.

Disclaimer: I still have not acquired the boys. I have failed.

* * *

Chapter seven

I blinked, staring at him confused. "What?"

"I was drunk," Kendall began, ducking his head in anticipation of my anger. "We went to a party after dinner, and she wanted to come back here to…you know. So, I brought her, and you heard me tell her I love you. But, what you didn't hear was me saying your name."

"But…you were with Jo," I whispered, suddenly thinking that stating the obvious would help me understand.

"I was. But I wanted to be with you. I just, didn't know you were gay. I meant it, back when we were kids and I told you I loved you. I was so scared you had been hurt because I couldn't protect you right. And seeing that blood on your shirt…it just made me think I was losing you."

"I wasn't that hurt…it only took three stitches," I whispered, smiling at the memory. "Besides it was my fault, I was clumsy as a kid. That's why my mom enrolled me in gymnastics."

Kendall grinned. "I know." He turned his body to face me, eyes searching mine for any sort of rejection. "I'm telling the truth Logan…if you'll just look at me you'd see that."

I grimaced slightly, afraid to look at him. If this was a joke then I doubt I could recover. I took a deep breath, trying to conjure the courage.

"Please Logie, trust me," Kendall whispered.

I nodded and slowly let my eyes roam up from his chest. I took in the light blue plaid shirt. It fit him perfectly, showing off his figure just enough to give a sense of what it'd be like to see him without it. Next my eyes landed on his neck, seeing the way it tightened as my gaze got higher. He was nervous.

My eyes landed on his chin and continued moving, pausing at his lips. I licked my lips absentmindedly and turned my gaze up over his nose, the nose that would only ever look good on Kendall, and finally stopped at his green eyes.

He watched me, his eyes soft and worried. I could tell right away that he wasn't lying, that he loved me. "Did Jo love you," I whispered. I knew I'd regret it if his answer was yes, but I needed to know. I needed to know everything if this was going to work out, and I needed him to know everything too.

His eyes swept down in regret once then returned to mine and shrugged. "I honestly don't know, she never told me. Today she seemed fine. She remembered what happened last night but she wasn't angry about it. She was hurt, but not filled with rage."

"Are you sure about this," I whispered, my less rational side demanding I just shut up and cling onto him for as long as he'll have me.

He nodded. "I am. I've wanted you to be mine since we were seven Logan. Nothing's going to change that."

"But you've never been with a guy," I whispered. "What if your body doesn't like it as much as-,"

"Logan trust me, all of me wants this."

I blushed and looked down. "You won't want me after you hear about me and James."

"Yes I will." He moved closer to me, cupping his hand around my cheek and making me look up at him. "I really don't care about what you two did, and I don't really want to hear about it."

I opened my mouth to talk but he shook his head.

"Really Logan, you don't know just how jealous I am that James got to kiss you and touch you before I did." He pet my cheek and whispered low, "I like James, I want to keep him as a friend. I'm very possessive of you and hearing about him having you will make me hate him."

I blushed and leaned into his touch. "Alright, I'll keep it to myself if you promise to do the same with you and Jo."

Kendall smiled and nodded. "I can do that." He leaned a little closer, pressing his forehead against mine. "I really do love you Logan."

I smiled and whispered, "I love you too Kendall."

He grinned, leaning in to kiss me. My heart raced and my eyes fluttered shut. I could feel him getting closer, his other hand coming up to cup around my other cheek.

"HEY!"

I jumped knocking into Kendall and rubbing my head looking around with wide eyes. "James?"

He glared at Kendall and stalked over, followed closely by an angry Carlos.

"He's dating Jo!" Carlos stood beside James, his arms crossed over his chest.

"We broke up," Kendall replied, rubbing his forehead from where my head collided with his.

Carlos and James both looked livid. They wanted to protect me from being hurt again. I understood that, but I trusted Kendall. "Carlos, James," I said softly, earning three gazes on me. "I know you're just being protective…but I trust Kendall. I always have. So, just trust me ok? If this all blows up in our faces then you both have every right to say 'I told you so'."

I watched as they examined me, trying to find any hint of doubt I had. Carlos was the first one to give in. He sighed and shook his head then turned to Kendall. "I love you man, but if you hurt Logan I'll kill you." With that the Latin boy headed to the kitchen, grabbing anything edible.

James sighed and nodded. "Same thing he said," his eyes landed on Kendall's in a hard glare. "I'll never forgive you for breaking his heart." He turned away and moved to join his boyfriend.

Kendall's gaze fell back on me. "I wouldn't forgive myself either," he whispered as he ran his fingers over my arm, making me shiver.

I smiled and leaned closer to him, resting my forehead against his carefully. Closing my eyes I breathed out happily. Kendall chuckled and moved, bringing his lips to mine in a soft kiss.

I knew this would last.


End file.
